Dear Peanut,
Yesterday, you asked me to unswaddle you after your 3AM feeding. If I'm not mistaken, it was the first time you slept without being swaddled. You've always slept all wrapped comfortably tight in your swaddle. We were told that swaddling mimics how it was like being inside mommy's tummy for 9 months. We also read that newborns are often scared of too much physical freedom, thus the magic of swaddling.
Last night, I was quite emotional because it was the first time you slept without your swaddle and the first time you soothed yourself to sleep while sprawled out like an eagle. It was another first.
In the past 2.5 months, you didn't like that much physical freedom whenever you sleep. You liked being swaddled so much. Since I took on the night shift, I would swaddle you after your 3AM feeding while we talk nonstop and then help you to sleep before laying you down on your bed. Then you would spend the next 10 minutes cry-calling me to pick you up and rock you to sleep. It's true what they say, moms can decipher the different types of baby cries. I try to ignore your "fake cries" because we want to teach you that laying down on the bed means it's bedtime already.
Last night and tonight, I tucked you in for the second time at 3:30 in the morning without a swaddle, wide awake, and you fell asleep less than five minutes later all on your own, without asking to be picked up and rocked to sleep.
I guess it's true what they say. That despite the exhaustion, sleep deprivation, and the now-regular headbanging that you give us (you always hit me on the chin, mouth, nose, and glasses), you should enjoy every single task that comes with having a baby in the house--the feeding, the nappy changes, the vomiting, the pooping, the swaddling, the bottle cleaning, the pumping...everything. Because there's a last time for every task that you used to do zombie-like. And let's be honest here, it's not so nice to wake up in the middle of the night, walk zombie-like to your crib, and deal with poop. And two nights ago was the last time I swaddled you after your 3 AM feeding and tucked you in your bed to sleep.
And soon, there would be a last time that we'll hold your bottle when you feed; the last time you'll depend on us to panic-guess what you want because you'll be able to communicate better; and the last time you'll cry in frustration because you can't keep your head up for as long as you would like during tummy time.
Soon, you'll be able to hold that bottle and hold that head high during feeding and tummy time. Soon, you'll be able to say your first word, take your first step, and more.
I've always wondered why new parents keep saying "Don't grow up too fast, anak." I've always wondered if it's better that babies graduate from that newborn stage fast so parents can enjoy the time when their little ones are not so fragile anymore. Because seriously, handling a super fragile, newborn baby is one of the scariest things I've ever done in my life. I wondered if it's better to fast forward to the phase when babies are more predictable. I swear, the first month and half of the second month are the "guessing game" stage - we always guess what the heck you wanted, at a specific time, haha.
Now I understand. Now I get it why parents want time to slow down and fly at the same time. We've already reached so many milestones, anak. We just want you to know that the decisions we have made in the past few years and the lifestyle we have chosen all boil down to the desire to be able to see all your firsts and not miss the moments that matter most--to help give you the best start in life.
And for now, for as long as your whole world rests on our shoulders, for as long as your whole life depends on our hands, and for as long as your peace depends on how we tend to your cries, soothe you, and make you feel safe and loved again and again, we promise to enjoy the many firsts and savor the many lasts that have yet to come.
XOXO,
Your dramatic mother,
