Dear Peanut: Firsts

Dear Peanut,

We just survived your first-ever sinat (low-grade fever). My god, the sleep deprivation, the fatigue, the body pains (ours!), and the anxiety. It sucks to feel helpless, knowing that we really can't do anything but soothe you and watch you closely through the night. I mean, even if I whispered to your ears over and over na “sa akin nalang ang sinat mo, anak”, that’s not possible, really.

It started in the morning when your dad noticed that you felt a bit warm to the touch. I was still half-asleep that morning but I heard that your temperature was somewhere near 37.5° C. When I got up, we gave you your first dose of CALPOL®. Dra.CTP gave it to us after your first vaccination in case you develop a fever, but you didn’t.

I had meetings set that day and I thought if I should cancel them because you were sick. The mom-guilt started but I figured, it’s just a slight fever and we gave you medicine already.

Your daddy was in charge that day, YayaL was here, and your LolaMama was due for a visit so it was a full house. Ang daming magbabantay saiyo. SC said I should go and take my much-needed day out with your RamenAunties. So, after giving you a bath (na dapat pala sponge bath lang), I left clear instructions and went to Pasig home first to have lunch with your grandparents.

Throughout the lunch, dinner, and after-dinner coffee that day, we’ve been monitoring your temperature and activities (as instructed by Dra.CTP). She said viral infections (not sure if it was a viral infection) could last a few days. Your body temperature kept on fluctuating between a high 36-point-something° C and mid 37-point-something ° C. You also ate less (you’re used to eating between 90ml and 120ml) and seemed weak so your father had to contain my praning mother hormones from exploding.

That night, we kept checking your temperature, checking if you’re breathing normally, soothing your cries, and encouraging you to finish your 60ml bottle. You kept crying when we try to put you down in your crib so your father and I took turns carrying you and rocking you to sleep.

We slept again with one eye open (of course, not literally) and it felt like you were 1-month old again. Since month 3, we had been successful in sleep-training you that we started to enjoy the adult bed to ourselves again. The success of our sleep training allows us to sleep through 4-5 hours before you would wake up for a night-time feed. I remember that during the first 2 months, you slept in your portabed between us. Last night, even if you slept in your crib, I got up every 20 minutes to check on your breathing.

And it sucked because we can clearly see the change in energy levels. Normally, you’re a bubbly little baby but last night, you felt too weak to even smile. And it sucked more because we don’t know why you had a low-grade fever but it could be that I passed on some of the viruses from my nasty sore throat to you. Or maybe something in the outside air. I don’t know. Or maybe the teething phase has begun. It’s good that we have a checkup coming up this week so Dra.CTP can check on you.

Normally, these small things can trigger crying fits in me. I used to be a very dramatic and emotional person. There were moments when I feel my soul go up in flames and then cool down. There were moments that I turn to ice (when I’ve had it with a difficult person, for instance) and moments when I scare myself too much because of overthinking.

Last night, I felt guilty and worried to the point of asking if it was my fault that you had a low-grade fever. I wondered if, as a mother, I should cry because my kid is not feeling well and I don’t know what caused it. But then I told myself, hey, it’s just sinat. It’s not even full-blown flu or high-grade fever. You seemed uncomfortable but you didn’t seem to be in any physical pain. You’re just too tired.

So I told myself I should stop the dramatics and just focus on the tasks at hand—monitoring your body temperature, acting quickly, and trying not to think too much. I guess it’s the writer in me that keeps on dramatizing things. Your father kept on telling me, “He’s going to be fine. It’s just fever.” And then I told myself, “You’re doing well. You got this.” I realized what kind of mother I want to be---like my mother, who always has this "I got this" and "Can do" attitude on things.

I want to be the kind of mother who, despite being scared shitless sometimes, knows what to do next and how to act quickly.

I'm saying this because I know of one auntie who, sometimes, gets too emotional that she thinks she can't do anything to help her children become better versions of themselves. I don't want to be the kind of mother who judges other mothers and adds to their worries. I'm just saying that seeing how my parents used reverse psychology and mad project management skills to influence their children, I want to be the kind of parent who actively participates in shaping the future of her child.

There's a time to be emotional and be ever so grateful for being a parent. But there is also a time when you just need to act, act fast, and get things done. This is the first time your father and I had to take care of a baby with a low-grade fever and I think we did well. We have mad project management skills too! Now that we know what to do when this happens again, I won't be this praning anymore.

And this morning, before your father and I left the house to run errands, the sinat is gone and you’re back to being the Milk Guzzler, catching up for the loss of appetite the other day so you can resume the position of “The Fat Kid Inside The #HouseOfDerla”

xoxo,

Update (as of March 29, 2018): Changed my codename from Queen Bitch (QB) to Tiger Mom (TM).

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Dear Peanut,

Yesterday, you asked me to unswaddle you after your 3AM feeding. If I'm not mistaken, it was the first time you slept without being swaddled. You've always slept all wrapped comfortably tight in your swaddle. We were told that swaddling mimics how it was like being inside mommy's tummy for 9 months. We also read that newborns are often scared of too much physical freedom, thus the magic of swaddling.

Last night, I was quite emotional because it was the first time you slept without your swaddle and the first time you soothed yourself to sleep while sprawled out like an eagle. It was another first.

In the past 2.5 months, you didn't like that much physical freedom whenever you sleep. You liked being swaddled so much. Since I took on the night shift, I would swaddle you after your 3AM feeding while we talk nonstop and then help you to sleep before laying you down on your bed. Then you would spend the next 10 minutes cry-calling me to pick you up and rock you to sleep. It's true what they say, moms can decipher the different types of baby cries. I try to ignore your "fake cries" because we want to teach you that laying down on the bed means it's bedtime already.

Last night and tonight, I tucked you in for the second time at 3:30 in the morning without a swaddle, wide awake, and you fell asleep less than five minutes later all on your own, without asking to be picked up and rocked to sleep.

I guess it's true what they say. That despite the exhaustion, sleep deprivation, and the now-regular headbanging that you give us (you always hit me on the chin, mouth, nose, and glasses), you should enjoy every single task that comes with having a baby in the house--the feeding, the nappy changes, the vomiting, the pooping, the swaddling, the bottle cleaning, the pumping...everything. Because there's a last time for every task that you used to do zombie-like. And let's be honest here, it's not so nice to wake up in the middle of the night, walk zombie-like to your crib, and deal with poop. And two nights ago was the last time I swaddled you after your 3 AM feeding and tucked you in your bed to sleep.

And soon, there would be a last time that we'll hold your bottle when you feed; the last time you'll depend on us to panic-guess what you want because you'll be able to communicate better; and the last time you'll cry in frustration because you can't keep your head up for as long as you would like during tummy time.

Soon, you'll be able to hold that bottle and hold that head high during feeding and tummy time. Soon, you'll be able to say your first word, take your first step, and more.

I've always wondered why new parents keep saying "Don't grow up too fast, anak." I've always wondered if it's better that babies graduate from that newborn stage fast so parents can enjoy the time when their little ones are not so fragile anymore. Because seriously, handling a super fragile, newborn baby is one of the scariest things I've ever done in my life. I wondered if it's better to fast forward to the phase when babies are more predictable. I swear, the first month and half of the second month are the "guessing game" stage - we always guess what the heck you wanted, at a specific time, haha.

Now I understand. Now I get it why parents want time to slow down and fly at the same time. We've already reached so many milestones, anak. We just want you to know that the decisions we have made in the past few years and the lifestyle we have chosen all boil down to the desire to be able to see all your firsts and not miss the moments that matter most--to help give you the best start in life.

And for now, for as long as your whole world rests on our shoulders, for as long as your whole life depends on our hands, and for as long as your peace depends on how we tend to your cries, soothe you, and make you feel safe and loved again and again, we promise to enjoy the many firsts and savor the many lasts that have yet to come.

XOXO,
Your dramatic mother,

Update (as of March 29, 2018): Changed my codename from Queen Bitch (QB) to Tiger Mom (TM).