Dear Peanut

Dear Peanut,

I started this Mother's Day tradition back in 2015. I told myself that wherever I am on this special day, I would post the photo below:



This year, I also started a new Mother's Day tradition for your LolaMommy. I would post the same photo with an accompanying photo. We tried to recreate it but clearly, I'm not as photogenic as your LolaMommy and you're not as well-behaved as I was when the photos were taken. Well, at least the smiley emojis were identical.

Next year, we'll try again and I'll rock the same daster and maybe a few more props, like the electric fan to the side, a houseplant, and an abstract painting.  Actually, the daster is our gift to your LolaMommy back in 2015. We bought it at a stall in Central Market in Malaysia. She loaned it to me when I was pregnant with you. I haven't returned it yet, haha.


I wanted to give your LolaMommy the best Hallmark card, ever. But I couldn't find one that fits. So I turned your first artwork (below) into a card and wrote a letter to mom. I told her that I understand it all now—the sacrifices, the fears, the joys, the happiness, the tears, the pride...

Your LolaMommy and I have had a lot of disagreements and fights in the past. I remember she once told me, while we were preparing to go sight-seeing in Singapore, "Sabi nga nila, you will only realize that your mother is right when you already have a daughter who thinks you're wrong."

Well, I'm glad that I realized it earlier. I know that I have a lot more to face and experience as a mother but I pray that your LolaMommy and LoloDaddy will always be there to support and guide me and your Daddy.

Being new parents is terrifying. OMG, before I thought babies are born with great skin, like those in diaper commercials. Putragis, babies go through a phase of varying skin conditions like milia and diaper rash and I swear each new bump on the skin or red spot is enough to make parents frantically call their pedia or rush to the ER and basically go nuts.

Your first artwork as a gift to LolaMommy. :)

I'm sure your LolaMommy and I will still have some disagreements in the future but we are in the phase of our lives when we understand each other a lot better. I finally know where she's coming from and she finally (I think) accepts that I can never be the "nice" daughter. That's your NinangAnnE, she's the mabait daughter and I'm the maldita one. But I told them that I will always be their fiercest protector from gossip-hungry, good-for-nothing, puro crab mentality, nilalamon ng inggit, at plastik na relatives.

I used to keep a burn book with the names of relatives I want to punch in the face. But you know what, it's easier to just erase them in our lives. I literally deleted them on Facebook because at this point in my life, if I don't like you, bye.

Being a mother does that a person, I guess. I need to make more space and more time to cultivate the relationships I want to build. Also, I want to focus on the things and people who matter. O diba, jinustify ko pa ang pagiging maldita ko, joke lang. Maybe one day, you'll also understand me.

That's it for now. Ang dami ko na naman sinabi.
I love you! :D

xoxo,

Family selfie at the coffee shop.

Praktikal na dapat ngayon, pagkain ang iregalo.

I've never felt so "nanay" on Mother's Day, hahaha.

We also gave your LolaMommy a copy of Kevin Kwan's Rich People Problems. I read to you some pages from the book when you were 4 months old.

Remember that you come from a family of artists. That's the painting of your UncleP below. He gave it to LolaMommy as Mother's Day gift.


We didn't eat at McDonald's that day so I don't know who nuked this balloon, probably your LolaMommy. AteL told me to take a photo because the caption is cool. :)



This is a funny photo I want to showcase here. I think your LoloDaddy forgot to put on deodorant because, look at your face, hahaha.


Lately, you've been making this face a lot. You're also making kissing sounds. I think you're trying to mimic the sounds of how I kiss you.


And of course, early this morning (on the actual day of Mother's Day here in the Philippines), your father brought you to me on the bed because you had poop. Then you and your Daddy sang Panalangin by Moonstar88 (version) for me. Mali-mali pa yung lyrics, tell your Daddy to practice more.

And while I was cleaning my desk this morning, I found this on top of my laptop. I felt teary-eyed because, even if I knew that your Daddy did 99.9 percent of the work, it's the very first mother's day gift I received. We just started new traditions in the #HouseOfDerla.

Thank you, darlings!

My very first Mother's Day card!

Update (as of March 29, 2018): Changed my codename from Queen Bitch (QB) to Tiger Mom (TM).

Dear Peanut,

Yesterday, you asked me to unswaddle you after your 3AM feeding. If I'm not mistaken, it was the first time you slept without being swaddled. You've always slept all wrapped comfortably tight in your swaddle. We were told that swaddling mimics how it was like being inside mommy's tummy for 9 months. We also read that newborns are often scared of too much physical freedom, thus the magic of swaddling.

Last night, I was quite emotional because it was the first time you slept without your swaddle and the first time you soothed yourself to sleep while sprawled out like an eagle. It was another first.

In the past 2.5 months, you didn't like that much physical freedom whenever you sleep. You liked being swaddled so much. Since I took on the night shift, I would swaddle you after your 3AM feeding while we talk nonstop and then help you to sleep before laying you down on your bed. Then you would spend the next 10 minutes cry-calling me to pick you up and rock you to sleep. It's true what they say, moms can decipher the different types of baby cries. I try to ignore your "fake cries" because we want to teach you that laying down on the bed means it's bedtime already.

Last night and tonight, I tucked you in for the second time at 3:30 in the morning without a swaddle, wide awake, and you fell asleep less than five minutes later all on your own, without asking to be picked up and rocked to sleep.

I guess it's true what they say. That despite the exhaustion, sleep deprivation, and the now-regular headbanging that you give us (you always hit me on the chin, mouth, nose, and glasses), you should enjoy every single task that comes with having a baby in the house--the feeding, the nappy changes, the vomiting, the pooping, the swaddling, the bottle cleaning, the pumping...everything. Because there's a last time for every task that you used to do zombie-like. And let's be honest here, it's not so nice to wake up in the middle of the night, walk zombie-like to your crib, and deal with poop. And two nights ago was the last time I swaddled you after your 3 AM feeding and tucked you in your bed to sleep.

And soon, there would be a last time that we'll hold your bottle when you feed; the last time you'll depend on us to panic-guess what you want because you'll be able to communicate better; and the last time you'll cry in frustration because you can't keep your head up for as long as you would like during tummy time.

Soon, you'll be able to hold that bottle and hold that head high during feeding and tummy time. Soon, you'll be able to say your first word, take your first step, and more.

I've always wondered why new parents keep saying "Don't grow up too fast, anak." I've always wondered if it's better that babies graduate from that newborn stage fast so parents can enjoy the time when their little ones are not so fragile anymore. Because seriously, handling a super fragile, newborn baby is one of the scariest things I've ever done in my life. I wondered if it's better to fast forward to the phase when babies are more predictable. I swear, the first month and half of the second month are the "guessing game" stage - we always guess what the heck you wanted, at a specific time, haha.

Now I understand. Now I get it why parents want time to slow down and fly at the same time. We've already reached so many milestones, anak. We just want you to know that the decisions we have made in the past few years and the lifestyle we have chosen all boil down to the desire to be able to see all your firsts and not miss the moments that matter most--to help give you the best start in life.

And for now, for as long as your whole world rests on our shoulders, for as long as your whole life depends on our hands, and for as long as your peace depends on how we tend to your cries, soothe you, and make you feel safe and loved again and again, we promise to enjoy the many firsts and savor the many lasts that have yet to come.

XOXO,
Your dramatic mother,

Update (as of March 29, 2018): Changed my codename from Queen Bitch (QB) to Tiger Mom (TM).

Dear Peanut,

Today, I felt you "kick" for the very first time!!!

It was our second night in George Town, Penang, Malaysia (we went there for a short vacation). I was lying on the hotel bed, chatting with SC while the TV was on. Then I felt 3 strong kicks on my tummy, left side. It was the very first time I knew for sure that it's you.

I mean, I remember one time I felt some "bubbles popping" inside my stomach. I read in BabyCenter.com that fetal movement feels like that for some mothers. I wasn't sure then, I just assumed that it's you but Dr. AZ said that it might be too early for me to feel anything then (I think around #16Weeks). She said that once I feel you start moving, I'd feel it regularly. And she's right!

I screamed to SC, "Oh my God, naramdaman ko gumalaw si Peanut!" And SC, naturally, doubted it. But before I could grab his hand and put it on my tummy, you kicked again 3 times, this time just as strong as first three. That night, we spent at least 30 minutes waiting for you to move again, with both our hands resting on my stomach. But we didn't feel you kick again.

The next day, I start feeling the so-called "pregnancy butterflies" in the stomach. I read that once you know that it's the baby moving, you'd be able to distinguish it from hunger pangs because the sensation is somewhat the same.

That day, we went to Taiping and I felt the butterflies in my stomach the whole day! Every now and then, I'd feel a light kicking in my stomach. It's light, but I can feel it every single time!

So that second night, I'd take SC's hand and place it where I usually feel your kicks. After several minutes of waiting, he said he felt a light poke on his palm, but he's not so sure. I'd tell him every time I feel you move but he said it's too light for him to feel anything. Pfft.

That second night, I tried pressing my palm to my stomach using a little pressure. The first few times, I was scared that I would hurt you or press down on your nose (silly me). Natakot ako baka maging pango ka! But I checked online and experts said that you're well protected and there's no way I could hurt you with my poking and pressing unless ako mismo masaktan sa pressure na ginagamit ko.

And then magic. Every time I press down on my stomach, you would press back. Sometimes, the "kicks" are longer than others, lasting even 2 seconds! Sometimes, it's so quick or so light. But I feel you every single time.

So I started playing a game. I would press down three times and with every press, you react. It's so wonderful! And I'd smile goofily in the dark, while SC snoozes.

The following morning, I told SC about the pressing thing and your reaction. At first, he doesn't believe me so we gave him a demonstration. I pressed his hand on my stomach (left side again, you kick there a lot) and after a few seconds, he felt a strong kick. That's when he believed me (and felt you move) finally!

I've been obsessed with it since. Sometimes, I would press down on my stomach just to troll you and you'd press back, hahaha. OMG, ganito pala yun.

xoxo,






Update (as of March 29, 2018): Changed my codename from Queen Bitch (QB) to Tiger Mom (TM).