Dear Peanut

• 1 large white onion, minced
• 1 head of garlic, minced
• 1 cup breadcrumbs (Honestbee employee couldn’t find Italian breadcrumbs so I used Japanese breadcrumbs)
• ½ kilo ground pork
• ½ kilo ground beef
• 1 large egg, beaten
• 2 tbsp cornstarch
• 30 cheese cubes (use the one you like, I used cheddar, but you can also use any flavored cheese, like pepper jack)
• 2 cups malunggay flakes
• 1 tbsp basil (flakes or powder)
• 1 tbsp oregano (flakes or powder)
• 1 cup parsley, minced
• salt and pepper to taste

1. Mix everything in a big bowl.
2. Form into balls with 1 cheese cube in the middle, hidden.
3. Pan fry, serve hot with rice or pasta. Dipping sauce optional.
4. You can freeze the rest of the meatballs for later use. I keep mine in the chiller.

• 5 Medium-size Malunggay Meatballs with Cheese Bomb
• 1 tbsp canola oil (or any cooking oil you have)
• 5 - 6 tbsp pesto from a jar
• 1/2 cup heavy cream or all-purpose cream
• 3 tbsp. softened cream crease
• Cooked pasta
• Salt and pepper to taste
• 1/2 cup kesong puti or feta cheese
• 1 tbsp truffle oil or plain olive oil

1. Cook the thawed meatballs in a shallow pan with some oil. Break it up so it becomes grounded meat again.
2. Add 5 to 6 generous tbsp. of pesto from a jar (I used Barilla)
3. Add ½ cup of heavy cream or all-purpose cream, mix well. If you don’t have cream, you can use milk but use 1/3 cup instead of ½ cup. Be careful not to burn the entire thing. Make sure the fire is low.
4. Add 3 generous tbsp. of softened cream cheese (I used Philadelphia Original Cream Cheese). If the mixture is too thick, you can add more cream or milk.
5. Add cooked pasta and mix well. I used fusilli so the bits and pieces can cling to the crevices. You can also use farfalle and penne or any type of pasta you like, really.
6. Salt and pepper to taste but season carefully because the meatballs and pesto are already salty. I added a generous dash of pepper because I like it.
7. From this point, you can add spinach or kangkong leaves if you want, or more malunggay flakes.
8. Transfer to a serving dish and top with kesong puti. You can finish the dish with truffle oil to make it more decadent but if you don’t have truffle oil, olive oil will do.
9. Serve hot.

Hello there!

My own breastfeeding journey (read it here, here, and here) has made me a strong advocate of Mixed Feeding. When Smart Parenting published an edited version of my original blog (read it here) on their website, it made me realize that there are so many mothers out there who give their babies BOTH breast milk and formula milk.

I launched the new series Mixed Feelings Mixed Feedings #MFMF on the #DearPeanut Blog because I wanted to help fellow mixed feeding mothers share their own stories about the struggles and triumphs, fears and hopes, pride and disappointments about the feeding process, particularly how they decided to mix feed their babies and their feelings about it.

The goal is to provide a venue where fellow moms can share their feeding stories - whether it's breastfeeding, bottlefeeding, formula feeding, and/or mixed feeding. The goal is to help spread love and support because as parents, we all want the best for our kids, right?

The real pressures to exclusively breastfeed (direct latch, no bottle feeding breastmilk) has become so EXTRA that many people now think feeding your baby formula milk is synonymous with giving poison.

Mothers shouldn't be made to feel they're committing a crime or an injustice if they give their babies formula milk. This is just utterly wrong. Don’t we all want the best for our babies? I think there’s an urgent need for stronger support for women who formula feed but still want to give breastmilk for as long as they can.

If you have stories and/or lessons to share, please see the mechanics below on how to join.

1.  Send you story to me via email (kceustaquio@gmail.com) or Facebook Messenger (Kath C. Eustaquio-Derla or Author Kath C. Eustaquio-Derla)
2.  Your story should be at least 300 words and written in English. Taglish is acceptable, but the entry should be written mostly in English.
3.  Please attach at least 3 photos to accompany your story. Maximum of 5 photos per entry.
4.  Don’t worry about grammar. Our editors will review and edit your story before we publish them online.
5.  All approved stories will be published on the #DearPeanut blog and shared on Facebook.

What are you waiting for? Share your #MixedFeelingMixedFeeding #MFMF stories today.


SUBMISSIONS

1. #MFMF: Kallisha Kring's Mixed Feeding Journey
2. #MFMF: Rachele Ranet-de Sagun's Mixed Feeding Journey
3. #MFMF: K A R L A 's Mixed Feeding Journey
4. #MFMF: Marlette Luz Valdez Fulay's Mixed Feeding Journey
5. #MFMF: Crizia Eugenio's Mixed Feeding Journey
6. #MFMF: Marie Antonette's Mixed Feeding Journey
7. #MFMF: Zhy Permejo Guinto's Mixed Feeding Journey
8. #MFMF: Marla Mae Centeno's Mixed Feeding Journey
9. #MFMF: Tens Ogbinar Celis' Mixed Feeding Journey
10. #MFMF: Aidelenn Wong-Bajandi's Mixed Feeding Journey

Dear Peanut,

Let me explain to you my beef with exclusively breastfeeding hardcores.

When you left NICU, we’ve seen the big changes almost immediately. The physiological jaundice is gone. You don’t look like turmeric chicken anymore. Your skin now has a healthy tocino glow. You also seemed less irritated. You appeared well-fed and well-rested. A happy, healthy, baby boy!

We were advised na paarawan ka at 6am for the next few days and as much as we can. We also got your feeding schedule from NICU and was taught how to dropper feed you. So that’s what we did when we got home.

Since you couldn’t get my milk out yet, we just continued your formula feeding schedule. My breasts became so engorged that we had to call Ate Zsa Zsa to the rescue. She’s one of the midwives who attended to us at TMC. Apart from lactation massages, she also teaches TMC patients how to bathe a newborn.

She came to our home and worked on my super engorged jugs while expressing milk. Miracle of all miracles! She was able to express 40ml of breastmilk in that one session alone. Actually, it was science, not a miracle, but it felt like the latter because it was the first time I’ve seen my jugs let out colostrum by the ml.

For one whole hour, she milked me like the postpartum cow that I was while your father attended to your needs (changing your diapers, soothing your cries, and dropper-feeding the milk that we just expressed).

After Ate Zsa Zsa left, I was able to hand express 30ml more!

Ate Zsa Zsa kept on saying that I have very high pain tolerance because normally, most women would be crying right then and there because of the painful sensation. Hand expressing was painful but even if I gave birth to you through painless CS, I experienced labor pain, and I tapped out and asked for an epidural at 6cm (or was it 5cm?)

In the past weeks, we also tried nearly all of the tricks and tips on how to increase milk supply. Nalulunod na ako sa sabaw at napupurga na ako sa malunggay. I also ordered those expensive (but worth it) lactation treats and take malunggay capsule twice a day. I do hand expressions, direct latching (but still getting the same results), and boob massages.

Lactation cookies and treats from Mommy Treats!

Finally, when your UncleP saw how you latch on, he said there are babies na hindi marunong mag-latch ng tama sa umpisa. But he advised to just continue and those short latching and sucking still help. Until finally, we bought that Pigeon Nipple Shield and it totally changed the game!

Pigeon Nipple Shield - expensive but worth it!

I told you that I won’t do product reviews but when I do find a product that I really, really like, I’ll tell you about it. A nipple shield is like an artificial nipple you place on your natural nipple to create that “protruded” shape babies can latch onto properly.

It’s like a condom for your nipple and it works like magic! On the first try, you were able to direct latch and breastfeed on my left breast for 15 whole minutes! Again, exclusively breastfeeding hardcores would probably say, “Artificial nipple pa din yan. You should do direct latching only because…blah blah blah blah…” or “Naku, dapat hindi mo ginawa yan, mako-confuse yung baby mo sa nipples…mali yan...blah blah blah…”

Again, back off.

It probably makes you wonder bakit ako galit na galit sa mga hardcores, here’s why:

The pressure to exclusively breastfeed (as in direct latch, no bottle feeding breastmilk) has become so EXTRA that many people now think feeding your baby formula milk is synonymous with giving poison.

I mean, I’ve joined several mommy groups and breastfeeding groups on Facebook. I’ve read the comments and questions and I couldn’t help but do an eye roll every time I see a comment from those who keep pushing direct latching and exclusive breastfeeding as if they’ve seen the concerned person’s issues firsthand.

Take this for instance: One of the “counselors” I talked to from an exclusive breastfeeding group kept on telling me that direct latching your baby is the only sure way to increase your milk supply. She's right but what if you're having problems with direct latching in the first place at hindi ka naman nagkukulang?

Sure, she shared a lot of tips and comforting words but when I told her the story about how we supplemented with milk formula when we were at NICU, she made me feel like I did a great injustice to my baby that she even asked for the name of the hospital and the pediatrician who advised it. I was like, "Wow, do you have the power to fire the doctor or shut down the hospital? Kung makatanong ka, wagas eh."

I’m like, why? Crime na ba ngayon ang magbigay ng formula milk? Come on, formula milk is a suitable option if breast milk is not available.

Here’s another example. A lactation consultant sent me an SMS asking if I am exclusively breastfeeding. She also asked how many feedings I give, for how long the baby breastfeeds, how many wet diapers, etc.

I wasn’t exclusively breastfeeding and I double guessed if I should even reply. But I did, and I explained all about the need to supplement with formula at the hospital. I gave a very detailed response. And you know what? The response I got was, “Okay ma’am. Thank you, God bless.”

Nagdilim yung panginin ko, I swear!

I was actually expecting to be told to still try direct latching and breastfeeding. That would have been a warm response. The best response would be an encouraging reminder that it’s okay to supplement with formula if breast milk isn’t available at the moment and while I’m still building up my supply.

The best response would have been a reminder that I’m doing the best I can as a first-time mother and that I shouldn’t feel guilty at all. The best response would have been an invitation to call them in case I need to talk to a lactation therapist (even if I need to pay a professional fee) and that their doors are open for me and my baby anytime.

But no…

That response felt like a door slam to my face. Somehow, whenever I see messages ending with the proverbial “God bless”, it reads like “Okay, end of conversation, you don’t need to reply anymore. Bye."

It was very disappointing. I felt like when they find out that mothers don’t exclusively breastfeed, they kick them aside by not offering comforting words that we’re doing the best we can, as they surely would to those who exclusive breastfeed.

And that practice, that pressure has made breastfeeding in general even more difficult and not fun at all for those who are trying their best despite the real issues they don’t post in those breastfeeding posters and videos.

In my first book, Before I Do, I wrote about how annoying it has become that even your neighbor’s relative can just nonchalantly ask why you’re still single or when you’re getting married (if you are in a relationship). And when you’re married, your neighbor’s relative can also nonchalantly ask why you still don’t have kids.

I mean, these used to be private questions that only people you know can ask you. Today, kahit yung nagtitinda ng taho sa kabilang kanto puwede ka tanungin kung bakit ka pa rin single. And it’s not because they always mean well.

Take exclusive breastfeeding for instance. What if the person you asked has a baby with serious latch-on issues (like a physical defect or something?)What if the person you asked previously had a breast removal surgery because of cancer? What if the person you asked has a disease that prevents her from breastfeeding? What if you continuously ask women why they don’t breastfeed and you insist that they do without even knowing if they have serious problems that no counseling can solve?

And it sucks that the focus on exclusive breastfeeding have made women feel that they’re committing a crime whenever they buy formula milk at the stores. You’d see the stares, you’d somehow feel the whispers, and you’d feel the judgment. And maybe that’s why many mothers, especially first-time moms, don’t post on social media that they’re supplementing their breast milk with formula milk if they need to “top up.”

Mothers shouldn't be made to feel they're committing a crime or an injustice if they give their babies formula milk.

For me, at least, it's similar to choosing between using disposable diapers and cloth diapers. Cloth diapers are expensive and they require more effort to use. Disposable diapers are convenient and cheap but in the long run, the expenses add up. They say babies who use cloth diapers are less likely to have diaper rash. Both are perfectly viable options.

Why don't you get some cloth diapers as an investment (if you have the budget and time for them and if you want to) but still use disposable diapers when you want/need to?

Yeah, I know that there is absolutely no substitute for breastmilk. But don't judge women who formula feed all too easily or make them feel like they're committing a feeding crime.

I read this article at a time when I needed it most. One of the captions read, “My dear fellow queens, breastfeeding is good for our babies but it is not the be-all and end-all of motherhood. Please, please know that our mental health is as important as our babies' physical well-being.”

The night before I snapped and cried again because you wouldn’t latch onto me and I felt that my milk supply would dry out before we could even begin to enjoy the joys of feeding. That night, we decided to finally use the feeding bottles NinangE sent us from the U.S. and stop dropper-feeding you. Right then and there, you father ordered the breast pump and nipple shield we needed.

Milk drunk. We just want you to know that we're giving you the "best" of both breasts, este world.

These past few days, we have both started to enjoy the perks of feeding. I pump breast milk for you and we feed it to you using a bottle. We also supplement with formula milk while I’m still working on building my supply. The goal is not to give you just breast milk. The goal is to continue giving you breast milk for as long as I can while topping up with formula milk until we no longer need the latter.

I have become a strong advocate for mixed feeding, a style, I think, that many mothers are either ashamed to admit or don’t know at all. I think the pressure to breastfeed has led many mothers, especially first-time ones, to believe that if they can’t produce the milk their baby needs on Day 1, they can’t do anything about it anymore and that they should start feeding formula milk, and when they do, they are total failures.

This is just utterly wrong. Don’t we all want the best for our babies? I think there’s an urgent need for stronger support for women who formula feed but still want to give breastmilk for as long as they can.

If there are mixed breastfeeding groups, let's talk, sagot ko na ang printing ng brochures ninyo.

XOXO,

Update (as of March 29, 2018): Changed my codename from Queen Bitch (QB) to Tiger Mom (TM).

Dear Peanut,

I heard about the Unang Yakap program from my “mommy friends.” Your UncleP also told me about it and as a writer, I’ve researched about it to great extent.

We’re glad to know that the hospital we chose is a strong advocate of the Unang Yakap program and breastfeeding. It’s good to know that we would give birth in a “baby-friendly” hospital.

What’s great about The Medical City is that they offer these free prenatal and parenting seminars for both their patients and outsiders. One of the seminars we attended included a hospital tour of the pre-labor room, labor room, delivery room, ward, and private rooms (and even the NICU). So we were able to—somehow—simulate what we would do when labor pain finally starts. A dry run of some sort. Looking back, that tour really helped!

And just as they promised in the seminars, you were immediately brought to my chest and taught how to direct latch in the delivery room while the doctors stitched me up. But you didn’t want to latch on even after several tries. You kept on crying and I thought that maybe the traumatic birth experience (you ate some of your poop while still inside my tummy, thus the stat CS) stressed you out. Maybe you just needed some time to relax.

When you were finally roomed-in with me, we immediately started to try direct latching so we can exclusively breastfeed. Nurses, doctors, and lactation consultants, even the midwives, continuously try to teach me how to properly position you so you can latch on properly. Sometimes, it worked. Most of the time, it didn’t. You would latch on for a while, suck—maybe 4 to 5 sucks per latch—, unlatch, and then cry. And we would start over again.

I wasn’t worried because we already know that it’s okay not to feed you for quite some time immediately following birth—because you still have some “baon” nutrients that you received from me before they cut your umbilical cord.

The prenatal seminars also educated us about the size of your tummy on Day 1 (the size of a calamansi fruit) so we weren’t worried that I couldn’t provide colostrum by the ounce. Of course, your grandparents were worried that you were getting hungry as hell.

We kept trying the direct latching and exclusive breastfeeding combo but the same thing happens. I try hand expression and I can see yellowish milk coming out. You just couldn’t latch on properly because my nipples are too small (not inverted, not flat, but they’re small).

If my areolas are the size of China (as your father wrote), I could probably describe my nipples as the Taal Volcano in Tagaytay because they’re not protruded enough that you can latch on effectively.

Taal Volcano in Tagaytay

I distinctly remember our third night at the hospital. We were trying to breastfeed you every 2-3 hours but you seemed so irritated already. Perhaps because since you couldn’t latch on properly, you also couldn’t get the colostrum out.

That was also the night that we were trying to calm you down so you would get the maximum exposure under the phototherapy equipment. I remember holding your tiny, yellowish face with one hand (football hold) and you said “ahh!” In my head, I keep on replaying that moment. I don’t know why but I swear I can still hear you utter “ahh!” sometimes as if someone nudged you awake. I remember how tiny you were on Day 3, like Turmeric Chicken, thigh part.

The Medela Pump Drama

When we finally agreed to take you to NICU for phototherapy, they told me I can breastfeed every 2-3 hours. But I wasn’t confident that I could provide you 20 ml of breast milk per feeding. I kept telling everyone that my nipples weren’t protruded enough that you couldn’t latch on properly but all they said was that I keep trying the direct latch approach.

Since they ran out of donor breastmilk that week (because umulan nga ng premature babies, as one of the midwives said) and we knew that getting breastmilk from friends or FB groups could take a while, we agreed to give you formula milk as a supplement. They had us sign a consent form as part of a hospital protocol.

Your father and I grew up on formula milk—the best money can buy at that time. And we turned out okay (walang kokontra, hahahaha) and we’re healthy. So we really have no qualms about giving you formula milk. After all, science bitches! Pun intended, you’ll know what I mean if you watch Breaking Bad.


We told ourselves, so what? We can still try to breastfeed you when we get home. But breastfeeding hardcore groups would rally and say, “Oh no, you ruined your chances of exclusively breastfeeding!” They would say “Oh no, nipple confusion na yan for sure kasi nagbote ka na!”

BACK OFF!

If formula milk is the best option for my child at a specific time, no poster, no video, no counseling would stop me from giving my baby what he needs.

NICU has breast pumps available so I figured, I might as try the machine so I can test one before we buy. Since we psyched ourselves that we're doing direct latching, we didn’t buy any pump prior to giving birth.

When I first visited NICU, I tried to do direct latching but you caused a ruckus at the breastfeeding room that I felt the 3 women there, who were silently breastfeeding, were judging me or feeling sorry for me because of your dynamite wails. It came to a point that I cried because you keep refusing my gigantic breasts.

Anak, ang laki ng dede ng nanay mo. Like three times the size of your tiny, tiny head. Each jug is filled with colostrum and you couldn’t get it out. Sino ba naman ang hindi maiiyak? Liquid gold kaya yun!

When I told the nurse that I’ll just try to pump milk instead, she wheeled you back to the phototherapy room and I swear, you gave me the evilest side eye I’ve ever seen as you exited the room. It felt to me like you were saying, “How could you leave me alone at this fancy tanning salon, mother???”

So there I was, inside the breastfeeding room at NICU, strapped to a Medela automatic breast pump. The three women were all holding their babies, skin to skin, and I was holding a yellow Medela breast pump bottle crying silently.

I felt so guilty and so sorry and so disappointed in myself because I couldn’t provide breast milk for you. After 1 hour of automated pumping, I could only get a few drops of colostrum out. The NICU nurse said it was okay and they would feed it to you. Liquid gold, as they say.

One of the OB-GYN speakers at the prenatal seminars attended warned us about this possible scenario. He said we should refrain from asking ourselves, “Anong klase akong ina?!” when we encounter such situations.

But that was exactly what I kept asking myself as I held the Medela breast pump bottle close to my jugs and cried silently while the three women nursed their premature babies, just like in those breast is best posters you see around the malls, hospitals, and almost everywhere!

Before I left the NICU breastfeeding room, I found out that they were all having issues, except for one. One told me her premature daughter won’t latch on and she had been there for 2 hours already! Another, mother of twins, told me she asked for donor’s milk because she couldn’t provide for both and that one of the NICU nurses feed her baby with a dropper. The one (without the issue) said comforting words that it will get better.

I realized that, wow, at the surface, I thought they were all having a wonderful time breastfeeding—complete with rainbows, butterflies, and unicorns. But in reality, they also have latching problems, breast milk supply issues, and more. So you see, everyone has an issue with breastfeeding.

Which leads me to another advocacy I would support with all my being.

To be continued…

XOXO,

Update (as of March 29, 2018): Changed my codename from Queen Bitch (QB) to Tiger Mom (TM).

Dear Peanut,

If you ask your father for a list of things (and people) that I dislike / hate / abhor, he would probably email you an Excel sheet—all nicely labeled, color-coded, and with very detailed information.

And that Excel sheet would probably have many versions (v1, v2, v3, etc.) because the list keeps on getting updated.

Before we gave birth to you, your Lola Mommy advised me to let go of some of the things (and people) that weigh me down. Apart from the fact that keeping a mental hate list is not really conducive to pregnancy, I should start with a “clean slate” and clear my plate of all negative things (and people).

And that’s what I did. And you know what, even if I didn’t destroy that list in my head, becoming a mother—especially a first-time mom—does a lot of good. I get so busy that I don’t have time to get irritated by small things (and small people) anymore.

But there’s one thing that recently got my ire and it’s this—how the strong focus on exclusive breastfeeding has become a new venue to bully mothers who don’t. Let me tell you how my incessant irritability started and a little backstory.

Hang in there, this one’s a bit long and bloody dramatic.

Pre-Peanut Days

Both your grandmothers did not breastfeed but we all know the many benefits of mother’s milk for babies. Who wouldn’t? I mean, you’d see the list EVERYWHERE.

There are so many groups nowadays that offer support for exclusively breastfeeding mothers and they’re all doing great jobs. I salute them, seriously.

What a time to be alive because back then (like in the 1980s or earlier), if you breastfeed your baby, it means you don’t have money to buy formula milk. Back then, people have this [wrong] notion that parents who breastfeed are poor that’s why they do it (because, well, breasts are just there and they’re free).

That all changed when later studies proved (and continuously) prove the physical, emotional, mental, and financial benefits of exclusive breastfeeding.

And we honestly believe in exclusive breastfeeding and direct latching. That’s why we didn’t buy a breast pump or bottles because we wanted (and we still want to) take advantage of my work-from-anywhere setup. Since I can work anywhere as long as I have my laptop and Wi-Fi connection, when you cry, I can simply pop a boob and you can feed anytime.

We attended as many prenatal seminars that we can. Hoarded as many freebies as we can (free diapers are the shiznit!). And basically psyched ourselves that we’ll exclusively breastfeed you for as long as we can and save big money in the long run.

But just like how our birth plan went the opposite direction, our feeding plan didn’t go as planned.

To be continued…

XOXO,

Update (as of March 29, 2018): Changed my codename from Queen Bitch (QB) to Tiger Mom (TM).